The following EXPERIMENTS are drawn from the lives of the actual lady saints. Attempt them with caution!
Obey the still small voice inside you.
[ . . . ]
Lop off the part of you that lures the most suitors.
[ . . . ]
Consider a day without suffering to be a waste.
[ . . . ]
Form a girl gang and roam the countryside.
[ . . . ]
Offer your life in exchange for a loved one's conversion.
[ . . . ]
Announce that you are not a slave.
[ . . . ]
Become a symbol of post-mortem maternal devotion.
[ . . . ]
Select from any number of local scavengers. Allow that scavenger to feast on your flesh until it has swollen to 55 times its starting weight.
[ . . . ]
When you're short on something, hold out your palm and trace a sign of the cross in the air. See what multiples.
[ . . . ]
Rebuff a vile suitor in the style of Saint Agnes. Earn bonus points if you refer to your suitor as food of death.
[ . . . ]
Torture yourself while waiting for the heavens to open.
[ . . . ]
Make a sign of the cross when you're presented with a false idol. See if the false idol shatters.
[ . . . ]
Use social media to address a jury of your peers. Ask them to articulate the worst tortures imaginable. When you reach 13 unique tortures, subject yourself to them.
[ . . . ]
Bone up on bilocation. When you know all you need to know, go to two places at once.
[ . . . ]
If you long to wed someone, employ superhuman powers in an effort to hold out for them. If they christen you "daughter," that's progress!
[ . . . ]
Identify someone who feasts and carouses on the regular. Challenge that person to fisticuffs. Aim to leave a permanent mark.
[ . . . ]
Pray to be made hideous and delight as your features go sour.
[ . . . ]
Do not let a human man touch your body unless his hands and your skin are both fully covered.
[ . . . ]
Spend 30 days moving a great pile of rocks from one locale to another. Sweat a lot but never bathe.
[ . . . ]
Write a book-length meditation on a food that spiritually fulfills you.
[ . . . ]
Journey to a nearby killing field in the dead of night. Pray. Aim for onlookers to refer to your prayer as a "provocative performance."
[ . . . ]
Go from X-rated to G-rated in one dissolute area of your life.
[ . . . ]
Orchestrate great acts while bedridden.
[ . . . ]
Douse any offending body parts, or your entire offending person, in a mystical curative spring. Earn bonus points if a demon spooks you into the pool.
[ . . . ]
Go into an ecstasy and lose the use of your senses. Allow onlookers to prick, burn, or shake you to prove you are numb.
[ . . . ]
Aid a person in want of life's comforts. Bathe them in milk, or another extravagant liquid, or wash their clothes. Should lower appetites interfere, override your urges in service of temperance and other like virtues.
[ . . . ]
Invite Jesus to crucify you as much as he pleases.
[ . . . ]
Lower your eyes and remain very still if a warrior attempts to charge at you with his weapon.
[ . . . ]
For fifteen hours or fifteen days, live on bread and water. Sleep on the hard cold ground. Record any resulting visions.
[ . . . ]
Strike yourself with a sadness so deep that you die of it.
[ . . . ]
Dedicate yourself more fully to your labors whenever your employer mistreats you. Revel in your ever-increasing holiness.
[ . . . ]
Enclose yourself in a tight space for half a century. Record any resulting visions.
[ . . . ]
Use extreme temperatures as a means of banishing sin. Put your fingers in flames or cast yourself on the snow-covered ground.
[ . . . ]
Lure young girls into the woods to speak about God.
[ . . . ]
Channel yearning through your lips: Suck ulcers. Mouth prayers. Vomit. Kiss, or request to kiss, the Blessed Sacrament.
[ . . . ]
See the inner, god-fearing man in a tyrant.
[ . . . ]
Ask God to rejoin you with your earthly murderer in Heaven.
[ . . . ]
Locate a pair of wild animals who will stand to be milked. Milk them.
[ . . . ]
Spend a year honoring each of the 5,480 blows that Christ received on Good Friday.
[ . . . ]
Nourish yourself with each of your body's own drippings.
[ . . . ]
Tell God you're worthless and see what marvelous things He makes you do.
[ . . . ]
Locate a lumpy spiritual object. Attempt to kiss it smooth.
[ . . . ]
Give yourself a reverse makeover.
[ . . . ]
Schedule all holy activities for the thirteenth of the month.
[ . . . ]
Appraise your bodily sores to see if any resemble crosses or puncture wounds from a crown of thorns.
[ . . . ]
Grow so dirty that your superiors liken you to a blessed pig.
[ . . . ]
Order your caretaker to remove the pillows from your deathbed so that you can expire on rough boards.
[ . . . ]
Cover your face with a long white veil for the rest of your days.
[ . . . ]
Identify an evil sorceress. Attempt to convert her.
[ . . . ]
Follow the way of the lamb who was slain.
[ . . . ]
Write an exhaustive, novella-length treatise on something juicy and glorious that you alone have seen.
[ . . . ]
Make a great sea voyage on a self-made yacht that may or may not be seaworthy.
[ . . . ]
Base all of your important location-related decisions on an oxen's whims.
[ . . . ]
Allow yourself to be swallowed by one of nature's maws.
[ . . . ]
Be radiant upon receiving a fatal blow.
[ . . . ]
Transform smuggled goods into flowers or coins.
[ . . . ]
Enlist a stag to crash the scene whenever your virtue's at stake.
[ . . . ]
Invoke the wrath of a jealous guardian angel.
[ . . . ]
Allow angels to shroud you in a convenient fog.
[ . . . ]
Be a tortured poet's muse.
[ . . . ]
Suffer in sickness in silence.
[ . . . ]
Allow bothersome creatures to herd you. Wherever they lead you, make your home.
[ . . . ]
Hope for a man-eating she-bear to crash the scene whenever your virginity's at stake.
[ . . . ]
Chronicle your own martyrdom. To up the ante, livetweet it.
[ . . . ]
Carry your own severed body parts on a platter, extending them as an offering or delicacy.
[ . . . ]
Spurn any suitor who might be described as a "vessel for Satan."
[ . . . ]
Use prayer to tame a ravenous lion.
[ . . . ]
Die atop your husband's grave.
[ . . . ]
Blind a tormentor with your own severed tongue.
[ . . . ]
Stand in a bucket of ice cold water with your hands above your head. Say the Lord's prayer 100 times.
[ . . . ]
Be a fool for Christ.
Obey the still small voice inside you.
[ . . . ]
Lop off the part of you that lures the most suitors.
[ . . . ]
Consider a day without suffering to be a waste.
[ . . . ]
Form a girl gang and roam the countryside.
[ . . . ]
Offer your life in exchange for a loved one's conversion.
[ . . . ]
Announce that you are not a slave.
[ . . . ]
Become a symbol of post-mortem maternal devotion.
[ . . . ]
Select from any number of local scavengers. Allow that scavenger to feast on your flesh until it has swollen to 55 times its starting weight.
[ . . . ]
When you're short on something, hold out your palm and trace a sign of the cross in the air. See what multiples.
[ . . . ]
Rebuff a vile suitor in the style of Saint Agnes. Earn bonus points if you refer to your suitor as food of death.
[ . . . ]
Torture yourself while waiting for the heavens to open.
[ . . . ]
Make a sign of the cross when you're presented with a false idol. See if the false idol shatters.
[ . . . ]
Use social media to address a jury of your peers. Ask them to articulate the worst tortures imaginable. When you reach 13 unique tortures, subject yourself to them.
[ . . . ]
Bone up on bilocation. When you know all you need to know, go to two places at once.
[ . . . ]
If you long to wed someone, employ superhuman powers in an effort to hold out for them. If they christen you "daughter," that's progress!
[ . . . ]
Identify someone who feasts and carouses on the regular. Challenge that person to fisticuffs. Aim to leave a permanent mark.
[ . . . ]
Pray to be made hideous and delight as your features go sour.
[ . . . ]
Do not let a human man touch your body unless his hands and your skin are both fully covered.
[ . . . ]
Spend 30 days moving a great pile of rocks from one locale to another. Sweat a lot but never bathe.
[ . . . ]
Write a book-length meditation on a food that spiritually fulfills you.
[ . . . ]
Journey to a nearby killing field in the dead of night. Pray. Aim for onlookers to refer to your prayer as a "provocative performance."
[ . . . ]
Go from X-rated to G-rated in one dissolute area of your life.
[ . . . ]
Orchestrate great acts while bedridden.
[ . . . ]
Douse any offending body parts, or your entire offending person, in a mystical curative spring. Earn bonus points if a demon spooks you into the pool.
[ . . . ]
Go into an ecstasy and lose the use of your senses. Allow onlookers to prick, burn, or shake you to prove you are numb.
[ . . . ]
Aid a person in want of life's comforts. Bathe them in milk, or another extravagant liquid, or wash their clothes. Should lower appetites interfere, override your urges in service of temperance and other like virtues.
[ . . . ]
Invite Jesus to crucify you as much as he pleases.
[ . . . ]
Lower your eyes and remain very still if a warrior attempts to charge at you with his weapon.
[ . . . ]
For fifteen hours or fifteen days, live on bread and water. Sleep on the hard cold ground. Record any resulting visions.
[ . . . ]
Strike yourself with a sadness so deep that you die of it.
[ . . . ]
Dedicate yourself more fully to your labors whenever your employer mistreats you. Revel in your ever-increasing holiness.
[ . . . ]
Enclose yourself in a tight space for half a century. Record any resulting visions.
[ . . . ]
Use extreme temperatures as a means of banishing sin. Put your fingers in flames or cast yourself on the snow-covered ground.
[ . . . ]
Lure young girls into the woods to speak about God.
[ . . . ]
Channel yearning through your lips: Suck ulcers. Mouth prayers. Vomit. Kiss, or request to kiss, the Blessed Sacrament.
[ . . . ]
See the inner, god-fearing man in a tyrant.
[ . . . ]
Ask God to rejoin you with your earthly murderer in Heaven.
[ . . . ]
Locate a pair of wild animals who will stand to be milked. Milk them.
[ . . . ]
Spend a year honoring each of the 5,480 blows that Christ received on Good Friday.
[ . . . ]
Nourish yourself with each of your body's own drippings.
[ . . . ]
Tell God you're worthless and see what marvelous things He makes you do.
[ . . . ]
Locate a lumpy spiritual object. Attempt to kiss it smooth.
[ . . . ]
Give yourself a reverse makeover.
[ . . . ]
Schedule all holy activities for the thirteenth of the month.
[ . . . ]
Appraise your bodily sores to see if any resemble crosses or puncture wounds from a crown of thorns.
[ . . . ]
Grow so dirty that your superiors liken you to a blessed pig.
[ . . . ]
Order your caretaker to remove the pillows from your deathbed so that you can expire on rough boards.
[ . . . ]
Cover your face with a long white veil for the rest of your days.
[ . . . ]
Identify an evil sorceress. Attempt to convert her.
[ . . . ]
Follow the way of the lamb who was slain.
[ . . . ]
Write an exhaustive, novella-length treatise on something juicy and glorious that you alone have seen.
[ . . . ]
Make a great sea voyage on a self-made yacht that may or may not be seaworthy.
[ . . . ]
Base all of your important location-related decisions on an oxen's whims.
[ . . . ]
Allow yourself to be swallowed by one of nature's maws.
[ . . . ]
Be radiant upon receiving a fatal blow.
[ . . . ]
Transform smuggled goods into flowers or coins.
[ . . . ]
Enlist a stag to crash the scene whenever your virtue's at stake.
[ . . . ]
Invoke the wrath of a jealous guardian angel.
[ . . . ]
Allow angels to shroud you in a convenient fog.
[ . . . ]
Be a tortured poet's muse.
[ . . . ]
Suffer in sickness in silence.
[ . . . ]
Allow bothersome creatures to herd you. Wherever they lead you, make your home.
[ . . . ]
Hope for a man-eating she-bear to crash the scene whenever your virginity's at stake.
[ . . . ]
Chronicle your own martyrdom. To up the ante, livetweet it.
[ . . . ]
Carry your own severed body parts on a platter, extending them as an offering or delicacy.
[ . . . ]
Spurn any suitor who might be described as a "vessel for Satan."
[ . . . ]
Use prayer to tame a ravenous lion.
[ . . . ]
Die atop your husband's grave.
[ . . . ]
Blind a tormentor with your own severed tongue.
[ . . . ]
Stand in a bucket of ice cold water with your hands above your head. Say the Lord's prayer 100 times.
[ . . . ]
Be a fool for Christ.